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As her fourteenth birthday approached, I wrestled with what to get her. It couldn’t be music. It had to distract her and bring back her smile. I thought long and hard, and steered every conversation with her into happier memories of being with her mother and father, and finally I found the answer.On the Saturday morning of Amelia’s fourteenth birthday, I got up extra early. Excitement at the gift I had for her felt good. I smiled. If this didn’t do it, nothing would. As coffee percolated, the front door tubular bells chimed; right on time.When I opened the door, Peter frowned at me. He reminded me of Tintin, his short, brush-cut red hair moussed into a spike on top in the middle.“Here!” he stated. “I quit!”I took the leash from him and smiled at the rambunctious chocolate Lab puppy. “You can’t quit. I need you,” I informed him.“I’ve picked up enough feces and mopped up enough urine for a lifetime. I hate animals,” he claimed, shaking his leg as the puppy latched onto his pants with. It’s all that I can do to keep from having you and your loverboy thrown into jail!” I slammed the phone down as I hung up on Jess, glad for my Otterbox right then.Sure enough, my cell rang again, and I let it go to voicemail twice before finally picking it up. “What, did you have some pithy comeback for that, Jess, you hypocritical cunt?” I snarled at my wife, whose voice now sounded much more timid.“Damn it, Stan, it wasn’t supposed to be permanent! Just temporary, so I could consider myself separated ... a trial separation, so that Tim and I could have an affair with a clear conscience! The bit about you being bi was due to that being a breach of our wedding vows that I could use to justify the separation. Once the separation was over, and I’ve decided that it is, you could come home and we could resume our marriage, as it was basically suspended, but now is back on, okay? It’s like Rachel and Ross when they were on a break!” Jessica had the nerve to use a Friends fiasco to justify.
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