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Knossos, an archeological sight I’ve heard of.Island hopping. Spinalonga. Mochlos. Lisos.Hirsch had put some thought into his tour packages. Each began with a brief lecture from a local expert. Meals were more than just respites. The menus were thoughtful and looked delicious. Plenty of wine breaks, cocktail hours, cigar and brandy following dinner. Posh hotels.And money from The Globe distributed at every step of the way.Prior to swanning around on The Globe, I had taken a crash course in art appreciation. Studied catalogs from Sotheby’s and Christie’s. Talked to gallery owners, a couple of professors. Some artists friends whose work might never be in a famous catalog, but they knew stuff. Art stuff.I certainly didn’t plan to bid on anything. I just didn’t want to sound like a chimpanzee. If someone asked me about Joan Miró, I would at least know he was male.What my research hadn’t prepared me for was the nature of this particular art auction. The audience, most of them sipping. I lie awake at night, planning the speech I would make to the masses in assembly. I dream of transition, of surgery, of hormones, of just being me, of life. My life at the moment is hell; my body is a twisted, mangled wreck. I hate it.I get depressed, a lot; in fact, it makes more sense to say that I occasionally feel okay, because my natural state is of self-hatred. I've started carrying a razor round with me now, in the pocket of my coat. It's not like the big fucker I keep in the bag behind my chest of drawers, or the knife I keep in my desk, but a little one, still in the casing. It's enough to cause pain and to draw blood, and it will do for when I just can't wait until I get home.It's impossible to describe how it feels to hate yourself so much. To loathe and despise every inch of your hideous, malformed body; to live every day in a prison constructed from your own flesh and blood.***Friday: more of the same, really. I don't get beaten up, and I don't get taunted that.
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