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“There’s got to be summat good with sixty bloody channels,” I says reasonably.Nozzer looked at his pint. It was odd he usually just sank them. “What’s up Noz?” Gasser asks.“Got a bad gut,” he says.“Needs a bit of how’s yer father to loosen it up.” Mikey suggested.“Needs summat,” Nozzer agreed.Now poor old Nozzer couldn’t hold his beer. Ten pints was his lot and even then he wobbled all over the road when he rode his motorbike. “That’s how queers started,” I said, “Some poor bastard couldn’t shit so his mate buggered him to loosen it up.”“You offering Chalk?” Nozzer said.“No way, but I reckon one of that lot would oblige.” I says pointing to the lounge bar where several sharply dressed blokes was sat round. I knew one of them, Peter “Nigel” Mansell“I’ll try anything Chalk,” Nozzer said through a haze of booze fumes, “Anything.”I went into the lounge, They was all there, gay as fuck, all sharp suits and that. One had a dress on. Lovely shade of pink, pity he hadn’t had a shave. Mnn ... to invite her ... ohh...”Julie walked to the minibar and grabbed two little bottles of bourbon. “And let her find out on her own? And that she wasn’t invited? That’s, like, how every fairy tale begins, Troy, and I said I didn’t want a fairy tale wedding!”Their conversation was cut short by the sound of an incoming call on Skype. Julie walked over to the laptop, took a deep breath, slammed the contents of one of the bottles, and hit Answer. The screen filled with the image of a woman with short black hair and long, curled bangs. An emerald tiara sat on her head, matching her earrings and necklace. A smile of delight was on her face.“Julie, dear,” she said as if they’d just bumped into each other on the street. “How delightful to see you!”“Helen,” she replied as if she’d just bumped into someone she’d hoped to never see again on the street. “You’re looking well.”“That’s Contessa to you, and I’m looking SENSATIONAL, darling!”“Ok, Cuntessa. I see you got the invitation.”Helen.
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