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My first thoughts are of pain, and it is for these first lingering thoughts that I named this phantom of my mind. I think of the sharp sensations of my own bones cracking, splintering, as something or someone bends them beyond what they can stand. I relish the screaming heat radiating from my hands as they’re plunged into a vat of boiling oil, cooking flesh that still lives. I shudder to the singing pain in my arms and legs, sometimes my stomach, as a sharp blade descends over and over, slicing and stabbing until the red of blood is flowing freely. All of these emotions, these visions build one on top of the other, until I am so overwhelmed in them that I wail with desire for some single, sharp, real pain to push me over the edge of what feels like dark orgasmic bliss. I don’t think about, I don’t desire, anything else, and sometimes I hold myself in this aching place for hours. Then he comes to me. He is the hero of my mind’s eye, tall and strong – sometimes thick and solid as an. Maybe, together, you could help me with my problem, I could help you. Secretly, though. Nobody could ever find out." You mean, us have sex?" I couldn't believe this."No. Not sex. You could help me see if I like it...in the ass. I don't want to cheat on Javier just to have this experimentation, but I'm really curious. I know of all of the guys I know, you'd never tell because you're such a good friend of his, and because of Ivonne, plus you're not too bad looking. Do you think I'm a bad person? I feel bad saying this, almost whorish. I'm sorry, I should have never—" No. I'll do it. It would be my pleasure." I know I don't have an ass like Ivonne...maybe you don't have to put your penis inside me, maybe just a finger." I can help you. I'm glad you don't look like Ivonne. Something different would be nice for me." I just don't wanna sound like a hoe—I'm not. I've only been with Javier." No, there's nothing wrong with us doing this. I completely understand you."She nodded and hit her.
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