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I could smile when I wanted to cry. I could keep my voice wonderfully steady. It made me feel powerful. The older I got, the more I felt it. Power at holding the serenity. At being cool and calm and peaceful. It felt like a gift. Like a talent that I honed every time I was confronted with something I wanted to react to.And it was the same with Lee. I didn’t crack. I said the right things and smiled at the right moments even though I could never look him in the eye. He didn’t seem to notice. Nobody else did either. It was just me, and at times the obsession felt woefully lonely. I could think about him as much as I liked but I couldn’t share it. I couldn’t tell him.Sometimes I thought about it. One time he drove me home at night and I was sitting right next to him and I looked at his profile and his hand on the steering wheel and his other hand on the gearstick and he looked so attractive it hurt. I wanted to say it. There was a soft quietness, perfect solitude, just him and I and I. I'll forgive him soon," she smiled at me. "But if he ever does it again..." We'll castrate him," I giggled, hoping the woman realized I was joking."Yeah," Cheryl grinned. "That might be fun." You're okay with Katrina getting pregnant?" I asked, just because I wanted to be very sure about her feelings on that subject. It was time to clear the air on a lot of things."It's not Jim's baby, right?" No, it won't be." Then it's none of my business," she shrugged. "Congratulations, we'll have cousins." Yes we will," I smiled and Cheryl rubbed her still flat tummy, just two months along herself."You really love her, huh," Cheryl said quietly, and it wasn't a question."More than anything." I wish I'd met you first." You know me now," I offered, tugging my skirt back into place and feeling a little uncomfortable with what I knew to be infatuation."But you don't love me." No," I had to be honest with her. "Not like that." Okay," she bit her lip. "I'll do whatever you want, you know." Then be my.
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