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I can't even make myself cheerful at the littlest things now. How was I going to maintain a happy relationship when I'm hell bent on giving myself nothing but punishment?It's so sad that I let someone break me like this. Causing my life to turn upside down and make me hate life as well as myself. I can't even believe in myself anymore. I've lost the desire to create and bring laughter to others. I can't bring myself to want anything, to hope or even love.I don't deserve love anyway, not even love for myself. I did a horrible thing to someone else and deserve to suffer for it. Coincidentally, I've found a perfect way to do that. Sexual humiliation has become something I am rather good at taking and being used has taken over any of my previous sexual preferences.Finding the men is easy enough, especially when I tell them that I don't care who they are - something that seems mutual to most men nowadays. I don't think I've even asked their names the past few times. Thankfully, they don't. This time stood out in particular to the rest, and on this occasion my wife was the one who had suggested the idea. Jacqueline was going out with the girls for an evening of drinking and dancing. A few of her friends needed to let loose and get away from the family rut for an evening, any excuse for a good time. As Jacqueline was about to leave, she had said very seriously, “Why don’t you give one of the local call girls a ring, and treat yourself to something different. You’ve always said you wouldn’t mind fucking an Asian woman,” she then smiled, opened her purse and handed me a couple of hundred dollar bills. I took the money, kissed her goodbye, and said, “Have a good night, and if you get into any trouble I want to hear about it when you get home. Have fun my love.” I watched her get into the taxi, and waited for it to leave before going inside. I placed the money on the coffee table, sat down and turned the television on. I spent the next couple of hours flicking channels.
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