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I took a bird back to mine for sex last night. After some complaints for the first five minutes like,”Stop, you’re too big!” And,”Please No, you’re really hurting me now!” The fat cow eventually rolled off me and let me go on top.As I staggered into the living room and sat down on the sofa, my wife looked at me and said, “Can you not just go out and have a couple of fucking drinks?”“Of course I can,” I replied, standing back up. “Just let me get my coat.When my precious little dog fell in the river Mersey, a German tourist jumped in the freezing water and saved him.Upon getting back on the pier, he checked my puppy out and said, “Ze dog is ok, he vill be fine.”Out of curiosity I asked, “Are you a vet?”He replied, “Vet? I’m fuken soaked!I have realised I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out ... the way to get to Sesame Street ... why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps ... why we don’t ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery” ... why women. I'm not sure if she noticed me noticing it, but even as the priest went to the altar in front of the congregation, I couldn't get it out of my head. Moments later, the actual funeral mass began.Halfway through the service, Jade stood up and edged her way out of the pew, towards the aisle. I couldn't help but notice out of the corner of my eye as the hem of her shirt rode up a little, exposing just a glimpse of the bottom of her perfectly-formed ass. Her slender legs worked like a perfectly-tuned set of scissors as she turned and walked towards the back of the church. It a tremendous effort of will not to look at her ass as she walked away. If I were a Catholic, I'd already be thinking about scheduling my next confession.The funeral continued, and Jade never did come back. The mass finished after about a half hour, in a cloud of incense. Moments later, the congregation stood up to leave the church and file out of the exit. It was then that I noticed, for the first time, that there was.
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