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He let himself drag down into a sitting position and then tried to open the envelope. His hands were shaking so badly that he could not get the brad open. This brought a strangely strangled chuckle; he hadn't had problems with these since kindergarten. Again he tried and had the same result. Frustrated, he flipped out his large butterfly knife and cut open the manila envelope. He found it strange that he could still handle his knife steadily, but when he reached for the VHS cassette inside, his hands again shook terribly. Finally, he managed to get the tape into the VCR, it took three tries, and sitting bolt straight on the edge of the bed, hit play on the remote.There was no color or sound on the tape, but it was sharp and clear black and white. He fast forwarded a few minutes of the empty living room. He recognized the couch, it had been her favorite. He could still remember how his body groove felt on it - they had had it since college. But now, she entered the scene leading. ’ I was so tempted to turn her around and kiss her.”“Oh, I bet. I’m turned on just hearing about it.”“But what if it went wrong, and she was like, “Oh no, we’re just friends.” She could tell people at school!”“No, Megan isn’t that kind of person, she’s a real friend.”“I guess so, but still, things could be weird, and maybe we could never get them back to how they were.”Her voice had gotten husky, and I realized that she was starting to cry. Tears ran down her soft cheeks and her lips seemed somehow smudged. I felt so sorry for her, and yet also super aroused. I put an arm around her shoulder and hugged her close. I could feel the side of one boob, but resisted the temptation to fondle it; this didn’t quite seem like the right time.“Oh, I can see why you’re stressed out; it’s totally scary. But I think you’ll have to trust the signals you’re getting from her, and trust that she’ll be kind if you’re wrong. And remember, you are the lovely amazing Caitlin. Just think, what if I hadn’t.
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