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I’m ruining everything.’ ‘Where are you?’ ‘In the el… at a club, I guess.’ ‘A sex club?’ ‘I don’t know… I guess… sort of.’ ‘Are you having sex?’ ‘Yes,’ he replied, his deep voice thick with shame. ‘Right now?’ He started sobbing, ‘Oh… what’s wrong with me?’ I could barely contain my excitement. Santa Claus was having sex somewhere, and I was on the phone with him! How great is that?! ‘You need to walk out of there. Just stop whatever you’re doing and leave.’ He sniffed a few times then weakly said, ‘Okay.’ ‘I mean it. Don’t hang up. Stay on the line until you are out of there.’ ‘Okay. Okay. Sorry guys. No. No, I gotta go.’ There were high-pitched voices in the background, almost like someone was complaining in some weird language. Sounded Scandinavian. Elves. Had to be. I heard fumbling sounds, probably him holding his phone while pulling up his pants. Then there was the clicking sound of his belt being buckled, followed by heavy breathing and rustling. The music started getting. Nobody said anything about ransom. Thieves were suspected. The worst was feared.So out we went, scouring the highways and byways, the inns and mills. And I found her the second day we were looking. The carriage caught my eye, lacquered as we had been told and with gilt-trimmed wheels. It sat in a barn well back off the road, its gaudy trim reflecting the sun and catching my eye.I circled the place and found a spot in the woodlot where I could observe the farm without being easily seen. Not much seemed to be going on. Several horses were grazing and a cow or two along with some goats and ducks milled about slowly doing their usual things in the bright sunlight. I did not hear any calls for help or any other human noises until two men rode into the barnyard an hour or so later. Tory militia I decided from my perch, probably officers since they both had swords, officers or dragoons perhaps, cavalry maybe. Enemy for sure.I debated going back for help but decided to stay a bit longer,.
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