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It’s hard to be in a civil much less happy mood when you constantly hurt. It wears on you. Then there’s the anxiety that comes from the fallout of the illness. I.E. paying bills with little money. Trying to maintain relationships. Worries about the future and if you have one.Every now and then though, things ease up a bit. You don’t hurt so much. You’re mind is a little clearer and you find a smile on your face. That’s me at the moment. My head hurts and I had to leave work early because I went totally mute. But I’m not shaking and I don’t need my cane and my wife’s not crying or yelling at me. I feel relatively happy. I had a nap and a bowl of chili with some shredded cheese in it.Last night I was a little down and feeling envious which is an emotion I try to avoid like the plague. It’s almost as poisonous as bitterness which will kill your soul. I was envious because there’s all these people who can make choices and I can’t. Oh, I can make the choices, but I don’t have the power to. Then you went crazy and told me to do it all of the time. The problem with that is that I found out that's exactly what I wanted to do. I found out I liked being a girl and wanted more, and since you told me to do it, all I did was agree. Now, I can't go back because?" I started crying again and mom took my hand. "She can't go back to being your son because she has crossed the line dear. Now she knows for sure what she only suspected before, that she is a girl all the way to her core, and she loves it."Silence descended on us as we all thought about what to do. "Maybe I was wrong in forcing the issue, but since we are past that now, I want you to continue to be as feminine as possible. I will not have a daughter that is less than a lady. Do we understand each other Julie?" I nodded my head yes, and he reached across the table and took my hand in his. "Always be a lady like your mother and you'll be fine. I'll try to understand and be the best father of a daughter I can be..
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