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I saw Connie as she came in to work Friday morning and asked her to keep me company. Without saying so, I tried to make it clear I was not asking for a date. She knew I knew she was gay but she had never confirmed it and I had never sought confirmation. She seemed to be hesitating so I mentioned who the pitchers were. She already knew. I tried not to show how happily impressed I was by that. All my other companions were fans of the game and liked going to the park but none would have kept up with pitching rotations. After taking a hard look at my face she said, ‘OK,” and walked into the building. Later in the day she e-mailed me with directions to her apartment and a suggestion for time of pick-up. The time she suggested was quite early but I immediately agreed.I found myself looking forward to this ‘non-date’ with great eagerness. I reminded myself this was just a ball game with a friend. Still, when Saturday night came I was dressed a bit better than I would for a ball game.. You're intelligent, perceptive, andall that. So, the way I see it, there are only one three possibleexplanations for why you are so tolerant of Sarah's behavior. The firstexplanation would be that you truly are so completely blinded by howmuch you worship this woman that you find some why to rationalize everymean thing she does, finding some way to convince yourself that herbehavior is somehow acceptable and really not cruel at all. Or..." Go on," I asked tentatively, beginning to have an inkling of what wasabout to be said."Or," Vicki started, "The second explanation would be that you areenjoying it. You feel you deserve it. You are getting a secret, perversethrill from her humiliations and cruelty. I think it makes you feel thateverything that is happening to you is beyond your control and thathelps you cope with guilt or other uncomfortable feelings aboutyour...unusual lifestyle choice." Ohhh," was all I was able to whisper in response. Dr. Mitchell had saidsomething similar to me.
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