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Liya meine halki si smile di aur usne bhi isse meri himmat bad gaye ab hum dono k beech batayn hone lage kabhi kabhi main usko apne baby ko apna doodh pilate dekhta to us waqt woh mujhe dekh leti aur sharma kar apne ankhe jhuka leti mera dil uska badan ko chune ko karta tha lakin koi idea nahi aa raha tha ek din us ka baby doodh pena k badh b rota raha main us k pas gaya or us se kaha laiya mujhe dijiya main esa chup karwata hoon jab maine baby ko us ke godh sa liya to mera haath us k mommay ko tuch kiya mujhe bahut majha aaya ab jab b main us se baby ko pakadta ya pakadata us k mommay ache tarah daba deta lekin woh kuch na kehti ek din jab woh apne baby ko doodh pila rahe the main us k pas gaya aur us se kaha k mujhe b bhookh lage ha main b doodh peena chahta hoon meri baat sun kar woh hairan ho gaye or kehna lagi yeh tum kya keh raha ho kya tumhe pata nahi yeh doodh mare baby k liya ha main us k aur pas gaya aur use kaha main jada nahi peunga thoda sa he peunga ek do bar inkar karne. The last few weeks had been a rollercoaster of emotions I was barelyprepared to process now, let alone in those moments then. My mindfluctuated so hard every day between loving my new clothes and wanting tokeep going and accept my feminized persona and be Lily with Erin all thetime, and hating what I had become, wanting it only to be over andregretting that I ever had to be chosen in the first place. I loved mynew clothes and I loved Erin, but I was ashamed to love them like I didand I was afraid of what others really thought of me. I remembereddressing up for our date in one of my favorite outfits of the wholeexperience. She said I didn't have to, but in that moment I wanted to, alot. I remembered my pure emotional breakdown that came in the lockerroom, but also the way she pulled the first tube of lipstick across mylips and I couldn't get enough of that feeling, or her. Erin was like anaddiction. It didn't matter whether I had wanted to stop or not, becauseI couldn't. But when I had.
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