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You're gonna burn." I jostled her shoulder again. I looked around. Was there anything I could cover her with? She was already laying on the only towel. I could go in the house and look for a towel, I supposed. I stood up to do just that, but then I thought, What will she think when she wakes up and she's covered with a towel? She'll think I was ashamed to see her naked. She'll say I was being a prude, just like she always says. I could hear her taunts so clearly, I had to look to be sure she was still asleep. I'd had to endure her jibes just two nights ago, along with those of her boyfriend, Rick. I had come over and we'd spent the evening drinking and talking. We'd goaded each other into doing shots. Emily had wound up on Rick's lap, the two of them exchanging passionate open-mouthed kisses while I sat uncomfortably nearby. I was trying to be casual, but I wasn't sure where to look as the two grew bolder. Was I supposed to be watching them? Emily fondled the obvious tent in Rick's. In short, with a lot of time and pain and expense, I could become abouthalf the boy I used to be.How am I going to pay for all this? I don't want to ask Mom, she'sstrapped already from my college costs.Maybe I'm just looking for an excuse not to go through with it. Or maybeI'm crazy to even consider mutilating myself for some machismo egothing. I don't know!Mar. 4, 2001Somehow, I took it for granted that I couldn't go to church lastSunday. Today, I realized that that's just what I need. Carrie's notusually the church type, but she came happily enough when she saw me in mySunday best.I feel resolved. I didn't get some big supernatural message, not like thecalling I got to go on mission. But I felt good, I felt right, praying toGod as a woman. And I realized - I guess that I shouldn't worry aboutit. If I can face my God joyfully this way, then why shouldn't I face therest of my life, too? I've been afraid to stay this way, without any goodreason but with this irrational.
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