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"Look, Carls, I'm sorry I broke your window." She gives me this funny smile, which I understand because it wasn't a real window and it's such a trite thing to say."It's okay Sam, really. I'm sorry my window broke your hand." And she takes my hurt hand lightly and strokes it with her thumb. And although it hurts like hell, it makes me feel better and I don't want her to stop. And I could let it go there, but that's not who I am. I don't know when to stop."No, really. I'm sorry I got that angry. I'm just glad I didn't hit you!" And although I say it in a joking voice, she flinches, and I realise she thought I was going to. I grab her shoulders, and although I feel my wounds start to open again and scream at me I don't let go. "Carly, I was joking! You know I'd never... I mean I couldn't.... ever hit you. You know that don't you?"And she's trying to shrug it off like it's no big thing, but it's huge. It's huge and terrifying and ripping the shit out of my heart. I scared her. I scared. I don't remember what city this bar is in.I don't remember.I'm scared. I want to jump up, to look around. I want to shout out that I don't know who I am, does anyone know who I am, why I'm here.I can't move. Inside my head, I want to shout, to struggle. I realise that, outwardly, no matter how panicky I am inside my head, I am sitting in a booth, smiling and nodding in response to whatever the man sitting next to me is saying.I don't remember who he is, either.I don't remember anything.What is the matter with me?I am acting as if everything is perfectly normal, as if I know this man, as if we are just a couple out on a date, perhaps, but I can't remember anything.I realise that I cannot hear. Couples are dancing, people are talking -- I should hear the music, the buzz of conversation, the clink and clatter of glasses and bottles on the tables and bar, if nothing else. I hear nothing, not even the surf-like roaring of my own blood circulating that I should hear even if my ears were.
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