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I have the man I always loved but had to deny to marry Rupert. Rupert knows my lover and they get on well. Now I can know Rupert's lover and I hope that we shall get on well also. So you see, there is no jealousy, no hints of honour betrayed." You have put my mind at rest, Clemmy. Knowing that I was to meet you, disturbed my sleep for many a night." Oh, I am so sorry. However, perhaps you do not view me as an ogre now." Not at all, Clemmy." Good, we shall be friends ... Oh look, the gentlemen are joining us. You see the man Rupert is talking to?" I nodded. "He is Alfred, Viscount Standing. My lover. See it is all quite civilized."Thus was my life, living at Chetford House with a husband who wasn't a husband, and another husband who wasn't a husband who nonetheless gave me more of love and tenderness than most husbands would offer their wives. I birthed four children, all of them by Rupert. Danbury the eldest was a model that shamed Dashwood. He worked hard at his studies, he was keen. It was like an instant meal of insanely strong feelings of caring for and absolute want-wanting. It reminded me of all the times I had had to separate two children fighting over the same toy. I was a 31 year old woman that wanted, yes absolutely needed that red car (in the shape of a man). The rest of the day passed slowly by and I found myself staring unseeingly into walls, other people’s faces, the food I was eating and so on. I’m just hoping no one told me anything important, because storing information might have been a bit over my ability right then and there! * * * * * ‘Get a grip John’ I thought to myself as I was leaving the kindergarten/preschool building. ‘She is not for you and you know it! And besides, all women turn out to be lying, cheating, crazy, screaming witches in the end, don’t they?’ But the thoughts that had kept me safe for the past four years sounded strange and hollow. With a bitter laugh I congratulated whatever higher source responsible for my life for.
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