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“The next year we found out he had taken multiple loans, using the horses as collateral. Some of the horses had been used as collateral on as many as five different loans. He had also borrowed money against the farm itself.“In just a year’s time he had drained every bank account, including all the savings mom and dad had accumulated. Mother owed well over a million dollars by the time she realized what was going on.“I didn’t cry when we lost the farm. I didn’t cry when they came for my favorite horse. I didn’t cry when we had to move into a cheap apartment in town.“My mother was used to always having money. I mean we weren’t rich, but we always had enough to never struggle. Now, we had nothing ... and a mountain of debt.“Mom started drinking. The next year she remarried. Married a guy who drank even more than she did. By then I was 13. I didn’t cry the first time he raped me, just a few months after my 13th birthday. My mother was passed out drunk and didn’t even hear my screams.“For. But how do I go about this thing, I started to wonder; Hang out in single bars? I couldn't do that. I didn't even like bars that much. I mean, my physical appearance is the issue. I'm a twenty four years old guy, I am in good shape. I kept myself pretty fit, and though I had a good muscular body, is my impression my face and head still draw too much attention which makes me very nervous and I feel uncomfortable in the presence of people who I do not know.Besides, women put as much emphasis on men's good looks, or so I think. So, the bar scene was out. Then what? –do I approach a mature female, and say, "Hey, I want to jump in bed with you because I want to have sex with a mature woman before I die" I'm sure the slap would win a word championship, if only it would just stop there and the police didn't lockup me up and throw away the keyAnd then it hit me. I didn't want to get in trouble, I didn't want to risk forming an emotional attachment and then leave, but I wanted to feel a mature.
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