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Self-medicating with drugs and spiraling out of control with an abusive partner. Abuse has permeated my life. I ask myself why I stayed. I can tell you. I didn’t think I could handle being alone. I loved the house. I loved him. By the end, he had topped yet another level of cruelty. I still hung on. I washed down the counter-top. There were divots. I did the best I could to smooth, even sanded with a fine grain but the evidence was clear. If he had ever gotten up to go into the laundry room to do anything other than to clean his pipe or to throw things away with the light off, there would have been cause for more concern. Either way, I put a towel there first, no, that’s just random. Nothing was ever out of place. Resigned that it was coming-just a matter of time. I started to subconsciously break or damage things as well. Casually while doing dishes or putting them away. Slip, his mother’s casserole dish. Slip, his grandmother’s dessert wine glasses. Plates, glasses. Broken inside. Even though I was having his child. (She knew nothing about the married friend who was another likely candidate for fatherhood.) Now I was living with a woman. ‘What will your father say?’ she guilt-ed me with when I informed her of that bit of news. ‘What are you bringing my grandchild into?’ she lamented day after day when she called to check in on me. She was driving me out of my mind with constant questions and recriminations. Still, she was exited about becoming a grandmother, despite her apprehensions. She barely knew from one day to the next how she felt about the situation, and refused to tell anyone in our hometown that I was ‘shacking up with some lesbian corruptor’ as she called my beloved Zoë. Though not to her face- my mother was a dear thing to Zoë and I think that she even liked her on a personal level, but not as a life partner to her only daughter. A daughter who was destined to marry a rich art collector who would take care of her so that she could produce many.
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