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On the drive home she seemed more subdued than when she left. Her greeting hug wasn’t too enthusiastic. I put it down to the long flight.I’d hoped she’d be horny. I sure was. But she changed to a kimono and made no indications of passion. I finally asked her if something other than the family visiting stuff she had told me about had happened.She said quietly, “I was with my betrothed. Two times.”OK, that didn’t mean just social visits.As reassuringly as possible I asked, “Please tell me what is troubling you. It is OK.” There was no resistance to putting my arms around her.“I knew I would see him, of course. We had sex two days after I got there. It was different than before I left for both of us, I think, but we didn’t have time to talk. The night before my flight back here he got a hotel room at the airport and we spent more time naked together than all of the others put together. Is this OK so far?”I nodded and squeezed my arm around her shoulders. She continued, “After we had sex. A confusing prospect only for those who don’t oscillate like me. In my waking life, I awoke a submissive. In a phantasmagoria of endless and senseless wandering, I felt I had consciously and skilfully wedged myself between my unequivocal willingness to submit and his domination. The dizzying, constant oscillation again so that I never knew exactly where I stood. Was I being dominated? Was I submitting? And it created a feeling of pure, unadulterated ecstasy which was heightened all the more as I took the time to process it later on. I had taken him in. In his quest to dominate me, I stole what I could of him because I had taken him in. I robbed and used him unlike the way he robbed and used me for his own enjoyment. I owned part of him - only a part of him, because I am not greedy – by giving him all of me. I have always taken the greatest pleasure in things, in retrospect. The unrelenting thinking and my labyrinthine brain. I oscillate again. I am in a constant dialectic of hating.
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