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Tania was trying to numb her mind to the reality that confronted her every morning when she threw up, and every time she looked down at her steadily expanding abdomen. She began to think of herself more and more as a powerless passenger in her body, rather than an active participant in her life.The epiphany came during the 11th week of her pregnancy, during her visit to the public health clinic for her checkup. For the first time, she heard the heartbeat of the baby that was growing inside of her. ?Oh, my gosh,? she said with quiet wonderment. She made an instantaneous decision.?Doctor,? she said. ?I need to quit smoking.?The doctor gave a weary sigh and said, ?That?s what I?ve been trying to tell you all along, Tania.? But he could tell she meant it, and gave her a supply of nicotine patches. The next few weeks were particularly hellish, as Tania struggled with the changes brought to her body by both pregnancy and nicotine withdrawal. She took walks. She drank water by the quart.. I itched to have her leave, to ask Katherine what I had been burning to ask her. But it was nearly nine when, finally, Agatha announced it was time for bed. "I'm going to get in the shower," she said, pecking me on the cheek.Five minutes, I thought, knowing her routine. Maybe ten.As soon as the bathroom door clicked shut, I crossed the room to sit on Kat's couch, cupping her face in my hands. She accepted the kiss with tight lips. Something was bothering her."You want to keep it," I said before she could speak.Her mouth worked, twitching from a smile to a frown."It's our baby," she said, placing a protective hand on her belly. "I know we can't -" I want to, too," I said."Really?"There was a light in her eyes now, a blue like the sky on a winter morning, a cold clarity that had faded since the discovery of the child. It ignited to blue fire when I nodded desperately."Oh, daddy!"She threw her arms around my neck. I kissed her cheek, her ear, her neck.The water sprung on in the bathroom.
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