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I returned to these pages so many times that my simple red journal falls open to the page when I open it. I continued the dream with the guard in the fantasy falling in love with me, sneaking me out, and raising a family with me. Then abruptly my journal entry switches to addressing God. I beg his forgiveness for my sinful thoughts.Lord, why do you torture me—I ask in the lord’s prayer ‘and deliver us not into temptation, deliver us from evil’ it says plainly. Why do I enjoy these dreams?In my little red journal I wrote a lot about sex, a lot about God, and very little about my real life. Real relationships seemed impossible.Everyone knew me as the prim and proper girl who liked learning. Even among the nerd boys, I seemed an off limits alien. At one point, I shared chemistry class with five of them from my core friends group. They made naughty jokes and seemed genuinely surprised that I wanted to be included. They lightly flirted with me; mostly finding excuses to touch me during. ‘There are half a dozen games before the New Year, and I don’t want to see this happen in a single goddamned one of them. This is sloppy!’ He slammed his hand on a table. ‘And we don’t fucking play sloppy! Sloppy doesn’t get you into the fucking playoffs. Sloppy doesn’t win you the fucking Stanley Cup.’ Murmurs of ‘Yes, Coach,’ came from the team, and Brody nodded in acknowledgment. ‘Now, get out of here.’ The coach tugged at the collar of his shirt. ‘Go Christmas shopping or something, get any distractions out of your system, and then I want everyone’s mind on the game tomorrow.’ The players drifted out of the room in twos and threes. Mark came up and nudged Brody. ‘So, how are you going to spend your afternoon? Pining—I mean, waiting until the show?’ ‘Dick.’ Brody shot him a glance and fought a grin. ‘Where are you reporting?’ ‘Oh, I’m going to meet Hilary at—’ Mark glared at him as Brody burst out laughing. ‘You’re an ass.’ ‘Hey, I’m not the one who’s ‘reporting’ to his.
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