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He stared at me for a long time with that stunned expression on his face. Then he kind of slumped and had the saddest look on his face that I have ever seen.I tried to step back into his arms and hold him but he held my shoulders and looked down at the floor and said quietly, “I don’t think I can do that, Toni. I don’t ... I haven’t ... it’s been...”He never did finish the sentence. But I know what he’s trying to say. It has been four years since he has had sex with anyone and god only knows how many years since he has had sex with anyone other than his wife.I slipped under his outstretched arms holding me at bay. I stepped into his arms again, pressed my body up against his and held him tight. I rested my head on his chest and said, “We know, Cale. That’s one of the reasons we want to do this. It isn’t the main reason. The main reason is because it turns us on. We have a kinky side that you and Tyler don’t know about. You already know what a teaser I am. You know I like to show off.. . I don’t think so. The drug doesn’t affect it. The schizophrenia is due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. The synesthesia is organic — a mis-wiring.”“Right — wire A connected to post B.”“Something like that. I know the drug is merely suppressing what’s underneath, waiting for an opportunity to surface. I still hear the voices but now they’re whispers and murmurs. I know they’re there but they don’t bother me. I take power naps, Carter.”“Power naps?”“I’ll sit in a chair and doze off for fifteen minutes or so. When I’m in that twilight state between wakefulness and sleep is when I hear the voices, though they don’t make any sense. I also experience looping thoughts at that time. When I wake up, I can’t remember details, but I know it happened.”“Like knowing you had a dream but you can’t remember it.”“Exactly. Carter — you must promise me one thing. If you ever are with me when I have another episode — immediately call 911 and get me committed. It’s a matter of life and death. I’m.
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