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I no longer had the strength to even stand, my knees trembling and buckling. I just couldn't ... couldn't face her ... not right at that moment.Instead, I leaned my forehead against the wall next to that door. I allowed the cool, almost cold wall to prop me up and I tried to draw that coldness into me, into the broken pieces of my heart. I wanted it to strengthen me, to freeze me, make me hard and numb against the world. I knew that without that coldness, without that numbness, I was going to fall apart. If I didn't let that coolness in, I was going to fall apart, a wreck of a man.Not for the first time in the past 24 hours, I thought about how I'd gotten here. I thought about what had led me to this place. I considered the past, considered every decision I'd made for the past 12 years plus, and wondered if there had been any of them I could've changed that would have allowed me to come to this same place and been happy instead of as miserable as I was right at that moment.Of course,. Wary of Nurse Five's warning I carefully rolled up one leg and stepped into it. My foot slipped down until stopped by an enclosing rubber foot. My toe pulled tight at the end and I settled my heel in place.I pulled the suit up to just past my knee and moved to the other leg. This was the first all-over suit I'd ever stepped into and the feeling of the soft clinging rubber was wonderful. Just the idea that it would completely cover me in the same sensation was making me dizzy. It was an incredible rush as I pulled the rubber up to the top of my legs.I sorted out the top of the suit and disentangled the arms. I reached my hand into an arm of the suit and carefully pulled it into place until the glove was firmly enveloping my hand. I was glad that I had such short fingernails as I had to grip the sleeve with the tips of my fingers to tug on it, and it would have been easy to stick a long nail through it.I could now see that the suit had an attached hood. Apprehensively, I took a deep.
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