The conversation flowed easily, much to my great relief. After an hour or so (and 3 drinks knocked back in quick succession) W. says, “Alright, let’s go.”The walk back to the house was quieter, as if we are all lost in our own thoughts. When we got inside and out of our coats W. suggests that M. and I go upstairs and get started and she will join us shortly. In the bedroom I set things up as I think W. would want. No lights, just a candle in a distant corner. M.and I both smile and laugh nervously, neither one knowing where to start. We take off our shoes and lie next to each other on the bed.Luckily he makes the first move and starts to kiss me. I kiss him back, hesitantly at first and then more forcefully as his tongue darts in and out of mouth. I hold his face in my hand and then let my hand reach down under his t-shirt to explore his smooth chest. He stops kissing me long enough to take his shirt off. I marvel at his perfectly toned chest and arms. I take special. All of these emotions, these visions build one on top of the other, until I am so overwhelmed in them that I wail with desire for some single, sharp, real pain to push me over the edge of what feels like dark orgasmic bliss. I don’t think about, I don’t desire, anything else, and sometimes I hold myself in this aching place for hours. Then he comes to me. He is the hero of my mind’s eye, tall and strong – sometimes thick and solid as an oak tree, sometimes lean and spry – always older and wiser, and always so strong. He doesn’t speak much but his voice is deep and slightly rough, his hair is wild, dark and curly – his eyes, always blue or gray or green, bore into my sole and read every thought. He scoops me up as though I weigh nothing and holds me so close. Where he carries me depends on my mood. If I’m still angry at this point, still hurt with what and where I am, then we are somewhere confined – a dungeon room, a jail cell, a locked bedroom. I fight with him and he hurts me –.
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