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So, yeah, ten years and three months. Only know that because Artie reminded me last week. Like drug addict in recovery, like drunk in program–except when I fall, others do, too. Fell today. Quiet parts of me ask ‘Why?’, louder parts ask ‘When next?’. Locked in middle is me and body of suspect in most recent job. Body is innocent. Found out two minutes ago. Ten years. Three months. Two minutes. Half-second. Body and me sitting on bench in Macall Bridge Park, all the time in the world. Make no excuses, tell no tales, no shifting blame. Mauled innocent kid, tonite, based on bad info. Stalked and preyed and dropped on Body… Body didn’t deserve it, Body didn’t do anything wrong. Could cry about it. Could get choked up. Lose focus. But choking up, losing focus, doesn’t help find guilty people. Every minute wasted on introspection is another minute Guilty gets away. Another mile down highway in stolen car. Another quarter spent on phone calls to friends for help. Should be out there. Lee was forever moaning about his sister's interference, yet was always there when Emma wanted to introduce him to one of many friends. I had often laughed at her hypercritical attitude; she seemed determined to see Lee fixed up with a permanent girlfriend, yet she, though four years his senior, until Luke's sudden appearance, felt no need for a steady boyfriend in her life.Whenever this inconsistency was pointed out, she shrugged it off with a comment like 'it is different for men, they need someone to organise them properly'. As this thought passed through my mind, I wondered whether she considered that I needed organising. Before I could expand this though Emma asked me directly why I was there."Can't I call on my only daughter without a reason?" I asked with a grin."You can and often do." She replied, before continuing, "but this is not one of those occasions."I nodded, then spent the next twenty minutes explaining my dilemma, answering Emma's few probing questions as honestly as.
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