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It was offered up on the altar of my beauty. ‘It prevented me from gaining any understanding of responsibility. If I didn’t do something, if I omitted something, if I didn’t properly appreciate the things being done for me or given me, well, you know Ashley is so beautiful you really can’t expect, fill in the blank. ‘And could I ever ease up on the beauty? What could I do, put on less makeup?’ ‘You don’t wear makeup.’ ‘Exactly! What a useless, pathetic parasite I would have turned out to be if you hadn’t slapped me in the face repeatedly to bring me out of my trance?’ Jeff wasn’t laughing anymore. ‘And look at how it made me treat people. I -‘ ‘Whoa, whoa, whoa up there. You didn’t do anything to get that beauty. It was given to you randomly. And I will concede you’ve made a compelling case that it put enough impediments in your way to make you likely to turn into a wasted, useless husk of a human being.’ ‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘You know what I mean. And all those impediments you. And if I had carried it on for much longer, Im sure the Vatican would have sent someone to do an exorcism . I was out of control after 4 months, it didnt get any worse for everyone after that but certainly didnt get better for them until probably about 2 months before I was 13. By then I had been to a kids shrink for about 2 months and would see him for another 2 years. He hadnt stopped me of my million wanks a day but I had stopped doing it so openly at home, school and in public. I was made to realise it upset people and was bad and naughty to do it infront of people, especially girls as they like it the least. And he told me why, he told me about sexuality and sex, the birds and the bees. It was what the hairy chinned nuns couldnt or wouldnt tell me. From then on I looked at girls differently. They were no longer horrible and yucky, they were now nice and sexy and my bag of glass marbles went in the bin. What did the shirnk say about doing it infront of girls? – It was bad and.
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