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If our garden seemed a bit unkempt ... well, by some standards it was. But it was a haven for wild birds ... titmice of three sorts, finches of at least three sorts, sparrows, dunnocks, wrens, thrushes – three sorts of thrush, too – robins, nuthatch and the occasional woodpecker. From time to time there would be panic stations among the smaller birds, who would take refuge in the shrubbery and a flash of blue would be a Sparrowhawk trying for a meal. Then there were the butterflies visiting the Buddleia and other fragrant plants. There were other less welcome but equally necessary visitors to our little ecosystem, like wasps. So, when it came to laying her to rest, I asked that the grave not be turfed over, and I planted meadow plants and seeded it; annuals, bi-annuals and perennials. Each week I'd visit and sit for a while on a little folding stool and hold a conversation – imaginary, but somehow real – with my dead love. I would keep an eye on the little meadow and pull out the. Ursula said, "You know Curt," and pointing across the table added, "and that's Ernie Kulwicki, Jason Altman and Andrea Colton."I nodded at each and returned greetings, then explained to those around the table where I'd come from and who I was. Ernie lived a mile or so from Curtis out in the country, and Jason and Andrea lived in town. Jason and Andrea were a couple, and I was told later that Ernie was "available". I knew what that meant, but I avoided coming right out and saying I wasn't interested in him.I wanted to be friendly but I didn't want people to get too close; I had a secret to keep and used every opportunity to keep it concealed. My secret was simple; girls obsessed me. Not pubescent girls, but mostly women older than myself. I didn't lust after every one I saw, but certain types captured my eye and my heart. In Kansas, I'd been fond of two young teachers in their twenties — one was an assistant coach, the other taught Chemistry — and both had fueled my masturbatory.
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